(RNN) – Happy New Year.
I hope you were safe while using your illegal fireworks and that all of your fingers are still attached to your body. If you lost a finger, I hope the emergency room was crowded and everyone there laughed at your stupidity.
That's insensitive, but it's your own fault.
Anyway, I think 2014 will be a good year. Just think of the possibilities: Miley Cyrus might break a hip and never twerk again and Justin Bieber might retire. The Chicago Cubs might win the World Series, the Cleveland Browns might draft a halfway decent quarterback – but only because there's a movie coming out about it – and Tiger Woods might end his major tournament drought (OK, that one might actually happen).
In real news, Garth Brooks is going on tour, recreational marijuana is legal in Colorado (if that's your thing) and there's going to be a new Godzilla movie. Giant lizards can destroy anything they want to as long as it's not me.
Since this a special article celebrating a special day, sit back and eat your cabbage, black-eyed peas, fish, pork, cornbread and whatever else you think will make this a good year. Or just wing it like I do.
Here are some of the events of note that happened Jan. 1, as well as some predictions of events that will most definitely not happen this year.
Can I link somebody to John Wayne? Of course. It's a long shot, though, but that's never stopped me before.
Ty Hardin never starred in anything with Wayne, but he did audition for a lead role in Rio Bravo. Hardin was born Jan. 1, 1930, as was friends with Wayne. He was the star of the TV series Bronco, and came close to several legendary roles. Hardin was offered the lead role in A Fistful of Dollars but turned it down. The role then went to Clint Eastwood. He was also the first choice to play Batman for the television series, but turned it down as well.
Paul Revere (1735) and Betsy Ross (1752) were both born Jan. 1, as were J. Edgar Hoover (1895), J.D. Salinger (1919) and Elin Nordegren (1980).
My Favorite Martian star Ray Walston, who also appeared in South Pacific, The Sting, Damn Yankees and Fast Times at Ridgemont High died Jan. 1, 2001.
Hank Williams died Jan. 1, 1953, while on his way to a performance in Canton, Ohio. Flights weren't available due to an ice storm, so Williams was driven from Montgomery, AL, to Ohio. He was treated by a doctor in Knoxville, TN, due to a combination of pain killers and alcohol he had ingested.
Williams was barely conscious when he left Knoxville and when the car stopped for gas in Oak Hill, WV, he was discovered to have died. More than 20,000 people viewed Williams's body in Montgomery prior to his funeral.
Predictions for 2014: If you think speculation over 2016 is ridiculous, consider this: The 50th President of the United States might be born this year. No. 45 will be elected in 2016, and if five presidents serve two terms between then and 2064 that will be the election of the 50th president and a child born this year will be 50 years old, which is prime election age.
Another British heir could be born this year as well. Prince George was born in July of last year and Kate Middleton has until the end of March to get pregnant for another to be born this year.
The 15th Dalai Lama could be born this year, but that would require the current Dalai Lama to die in the next couple of months. Each Dalai Lama is thought to be the reincarnation of the previous one. The current Dalai Lama was born in 1935 and is the longest lived Dalai Lama, but he has stated in the past that he may choose not to be reincarnated and the line of Dalai Lamas will end.
It's pretty crass to predict who might die, so I won't do it, but there are people out there who do.
Amazing Grace debuted Jan. 1, 1773. It was written to accompany a sermon and it isn't known if the words were sung or spoken.
The Rose Parade was first held Jan. 1, 1890, and it was the subject of the first coast-to-coast color broadcast in 1954.
Ellis Island opened Jan. 1, 1892, The Times was first published in 1788, Alcatraz became a federal prison in 1934, the Internet was created in 1983 and the domain name system was created in 1985.
Predictions for 2014: A giant asteroid on a collision course with Earth will be discovered, but a larger asteroid will be discovered to be on collision course with it. The asteroids will collide and destroy each other, but fragments of them will fall to Earth. The asteroids will be discovered to contain an infinite fuel source that will solve the world's energy problems and bring with it the seed of a tasty and healthy food source that can be grown in any environment.
Bigfoot will discover that humans are responsible for all the weird noises being made in the woods at night and kill a specimen to use for scientific research … and food.
We will finally discover something significant on Mars. The Curiosity rover will roll over a patch of unstable rock, which will crack under its weight and reveal a large underground reservoir, but the water will cause the rover to malfunction and we'll never know it happened. (By the way, something similar already happened on The Big Bang Theory.)
Jan. 1 is all about college football, and the Rose Bowl is the reason for that. The first Rose Bowl was held in 1902. The game was created to help fund the annual Rose Parade and was called the East-West football game and tickets cost 50 cents.
It pitted Michigan against Stanford with Michigan winning 49-0. Due to the one-sided game, Stanford quit after the third quarter and the game was not held again until 1916. In the intervening time, the game was replaced by a series of other events, including ostrich races.
The game was played at Tournament Park before the Rose Bowl Stadium was built prior to the 1923 game. It has been played 13 times on Jan. 2 and once each on Jan. 3 and 4 in 2002 and 2006 when the game doubled as the BCS national championship game. It has only been played outside of Pasadena, CA, once when it moved to Durham, NC, in 1942 due to World War II safety concerns.
Predictions for 2014: Inclement weather at the Super Bowl will cause the NFL to relocate all teams north of St. Louis to either Texas or Los Angeles, unless they build a dome. The entire city of Green Bay, including Lambeau Field, will move to Canada in protest.
Jadeveon Clowney will be drafted in the first round by one of Los Angeles' new teams, but he and Dodgers outfielder Yasiel Puig will be sent to jail after multiple tickets for street racing on the 405 and neither will play professional sports again.
Alabama football coach Nick Saban will be hired by the University of Texas and the Washington Redskins, who are now based in Austin. He will coach both teams to undefeated seasons and their respective championships, and eliminate injuries from football by teaching players to tackle using The Force. The 67-foot tall statue of Sam Houston will be torn down and replaced by a 1,003-foot statue of Saban, making it one foot taller than the 1,002-foot JPMorgan Chase Tower in Houston, the tallest building in the state.
U.S. soldiers retaliated for the Malmedy massacre by executing 30 POWs at Chenogne and the Luftwaffe launched Operation Bodenplatte on Jan. 1, 1945.
Operation Bodenplatte was a failed attempt to cripple Allied air superiority during the Battle of the Bulge. The mission was kept secret and many German soldiers didn't know it was taking place and were killed as a result of friendly fire. Initially, the operation appeared to be a success, but Germany lost nearly 200 pilots while only destroying a few planes on the ground and inflicting minimal casualties.
The Navy SEALs were established Jan. 1, 1962.
Predictions for 2014: With an NFL team now within its borders but having no opponents, Canada will invade the United States in an effort to conquer football. The invasion will be allowed to proceed without resistance until it reaches Texas where Nick Saban will be too occupied with his teams to listen to the Canadians' polite suggestions and will merely glare at them for a few seconds. Canada will then surrender and return home.
The Nebraska Navy (which does exist) will launch an attack on Olivia, MN, for its title of Corn Capital of the World. The attack will be successful, but Olivia will earn its title back when Nebraska's ships are not large enough to haul the 50-foot corn monument down Beaver Creek.
Envious of our discovery of infinite energy, a race of aliens will invade Earth and attempt to destroy all existing life with an Illudium Q-36 Space Modulator so they can get a better view of Venus. However, they will plant the device in a Six Flags theme park and be foiled by a teenager dressed as Bugs Bunny.
Well, obviously, it's New Year's Day. There aren't any other wacky observances Jan. 1, but it's Constitution Day in Italy, Founding Day in Taiwan, Independence Day in Brunei, Haiti and Sudan and National Tree Planting Day in Tanzania.
So maybe just stick with your Black Eyed Peas.
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