Fistful TV is proud to announce our new programming for the 2003-2004 television season. All programs may not be available in all areas, check your local listings.
Reality show. Internet voting decides which of twenty contestants our celebrities will have children with. Week one stars: Evander Holyfield, Shawn Kemp.
"Where In The World Is Mo Vaughn?"
Game show. Contestants follow the Mets first baseman from meal to meal, and try to discern what city Mo is in by the stains on his shirt.
"The Man Show"
The fourth season of this classic will star Larry Eustachy and Mike Price. Topics will include dating advice, such as how to tell the difference between a girl who is interested in you and a girl just giving you a pity kiss because you're the only guy at the party who can remember where you were when Kennedy was shot. The show will also provide financial advice, like knowing how much cash to take with you so you don't have to give strippers your credit card.
"The Amazing Race: East Texas!"
Reality show. Contestants are given a race path and vaguely correct maps of county roads in East Texas. Winners will be awarded prizes. Losers will be killed and skinned by the natives.
Game show. Hardcore sports fans are given points for identifying players from Arena Football, MLS, and people from the WNBA who are not Lisa Leslie. Names are not necessary, simply identifying them in a police-style lineup will be sufficient. In the bonus round, double points are awarded for naming the starting pitching rotations of the Tigers, Devil Rays, and Marlins.
"The Jersey Boys"
Starring Cade McNown and Ryan Leaf. Hilarity ensues when a traffic court judge handcuffs two former first-round NFL draft choices together as punishment for parking tickets. Eventually the duo ecide to fight crime, and keep their identities secret by wearing the jerseys of teams that paid them, but they never played for.
"The Smackdown Round-Up"
Weekly clip show. Saturday nights at 10, join host Ray Jay Johnson for a recap of which former professional wrestlers have died of drug overdoses this week.
Our cameras follow NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman around as he tries to make everyone believe the NHL is happy with Anaheim, Ottawa, and New Jersey as possible finals teams. Climactic final episode involves Bettman being told his Stanley Cup series drew worse ratings than "Are You Hot?"
"Bring Your Own Booyah"
Game show. Two television sports anchors are graded on how many obscure references they can jam into a sixty-second Royals-Angels highlight package. Each week viewers vote one of them off the show, forcing him to go back to college to learn to repair refrigerators.
"Permit the Interruption"
Hosted by Bob Ryan and Max Kellerman. The host will discuss a variety of topics, punctuated with random yelling and incendiary remarks. This show will air on a seven-second delay, just to give everyone time to turn the channel when it comes on.
"The Sheed Show"
Talk show. Host Rasheed Wallace brings on guests nightly from his fields of expertise, marijuana use and irrational anger. Cypress Hill plays his house band. Closed-captioned for English speakers. Week one guests: Ron Artest, Snoop Dogg, Ron Artest again.
"Windy City Challenge"
Game show. Angry Chicago baseball fans are permitted to drink their own weight in beer, then pointed in the direction of the umpires. Extra points are given for anyone who can reach the first base line without vomiting.
"Shop At Home!"
Call-in shopping show featuring authentic sports memorabilia. Week one: The Georgia football team.
Situation comedy. Vlade Divacs is mistaken for Russian Comedian Yakov Smirnoff, and finds himself in the middle of a ring of international intrigue. In a parallel story line, Smirnoff finds himself in the Western Conference playoffs getting knocked down by Shawn Bradley.
"The Six-Million Dollar Man"
Remake. Grant Hill is rebuilt with bionic parts and returned to the NBA. Every week, his parts break by the end of the show and he returns to the shop. Isaiah Rider plays his nemesis, Maskatron.
Game show. Each week, two lucky couples are chosen to come into Jose Canseco's house-arrest home and redecorate. Winners get to stay with Jose for a night. Losers get to stay with Jose for two nights.